(ominous music)
(door squeaks)
- [Woman] Wow.
- Mm, I know, I told ya that.
Hey! - Oh, stop!
(growls) Oh, stop, Steve!
You're freakin' me out!
- All right, sorry, come on.
I'm gonna get some shots, okay?
Um.
(clicks)
Oh, come on.
(clicks)
Okay, there ya go.
(chuckles)
(ominous music)
(camera clicks)
- This place is a shithole.
- This place is amazing.
Marie.
(camera clicks)
That's it.
(chuckles)
(camera clicks)
Marie, come and have a look at this.
How cool is that?
What?
- Well, you said you were gonna take
some stunning photos of me.
I expected something a bit more romantic.
- This is romantic.
Well, this, this building's been here centuries.
It might be haunted.
- You don't have a clue, do ya?
- Look, I mean you're such a star anyway,
against this backdrop you're gonna shine out,
'cause you're so beautiful.
- That's a bit better.
(chuckles)
- Look,
I'm gonna just take a few sexy shots
and then we'll get out of here, okay?
Promise.
- Okay, but you better take me somewhere nice.
(clattering) Fuck's sake!
(Steve groans)
- All right it's fine.
It's okay I can use the flash.
(clicks) There we go.
See, it's fine.
Right.
Come on then, beautiful.
Smile.
(camera clicks)
That's it.
(camera clicks) Beautiful.
(camera clicks)
- I feel a bit weird.
- Ah, you look a bit gorgeous, darling.
Come on, come on, smile.
(camera clicks)
Okay.
(camera clicks)
(ominous music)
Hang on a sec.
- What is it?
- Hello?
Is there anyone there?
- Steve, don't, you're scarin' me.
- Hello?
Give me that.
- What is it, Steve, what did you see?
- Hang, hang on a sec.
Hello, is there someone there?
Hello?
(camera clicks)
Is there someone in here?
(camera clicks)
Listen, I'm not fuckin' about.
Come out, this isn't funny.
(camera clicks)
Hello?
(groans) (thuds)
(rattling) (thuds)
(tense music)
- Steve?
(tense music)
(gasps)
(tense eerie music)
(gasps)
(tense rhythmic music)
- Five seconds.
(beeping)
10 seconds.
(beeping)
15 seconds.
(beeping)
20 seconds.
- That's not helping.
- You can do it.
- I know.
(beeping)
- [Man] 25 seconds.
- Brooks, is there a problem?
- Yeah, Raffles here won't shut the fuck up.
- [Brooks] 30 seconds.
- What is your fucking problem?
- [Brooks] You said you could do it in under a minute.
35 seconds.
- I could if you weren't distracting me.
Do you realise how difficult this is?
- Do you need a hug?
40 seconds.
- I dare you to say 45 seconds.
(gun clicks) (tense music)
- 45 seconds.
Alice.
- On it.
- [Brooks] 50 seconds.
- You're a bunch of fucking amateurs.
You're not gonna get in without me.
- Shh.
- 55, 56, (beeps)
57, 58. - We need to go.
59. (beeps)
Wait here.
- I loosened it.
- Okay, Alice.
If you had to shit into a hat,
what kind of hat would you choose?
- I don't shit, I poo, as you well know.
- [Man] Of course, my mistake.
Apologies, Miss Bronte.
Stop stallin', pick a hat.
- Top hat.
- Why?
- Depth.
- Okay, let's go.
(jazzy piano music)
(pulsating techno music)
- You took your time.
- Same problem.
- Again?
- [Man On Right] Yeah.
- [Brooks] Dixon, you're out.
- Oh, come on.
- One time too many.
- Who the fuck do you think you are?
What?
(flesh smacking)
(thuds)
(pulsating techno music)
- I think I was the best tonight.
- Definitely.
- Without a doubt.
Chicken wing?
(pulsating techno music)
- So that's your green basin just for food waste.
Brown one is for garden, you know, composting, et cetera,
and you know, you're black one is for just, you know,
stuff that you can't recycle.
Uh, so, if you could write those down, uh, for now,
and, uh, later on, of course, we've got, uh,
Rachel Egan coming in and she's gonna be doing some,
uh, mock interviews with us,
so that's gonna be really good practise.
- Practise for what?
- Well, well, practise to help you secure a job
in the future.
- What future?
- Well, I think we've all got a responsibility to prepare
for what's to come, don't we?
- What's coming?
- How do you know what's to come?
- Ah, well, that's it, isn't it?
We don't know.
We don't know what's to come, do we?
Say, say for instance, you know, a few weeks time
you're in front of a potential employer,
say it's between you and somebody with worse credentials
than you, yeah, but who speaks very nicely,
so you see, these sessions will help you, you know,
move on through that and for, okay, let's role play.
Uh, Che, do you wanna kick us off?
Raz, how 'bout you? - Yeah?
- Let's say you're a boss of a shop
and Tina's gonna come in
and apply to be a sales assistant in your shop.
- Yeah, I hear Tina likes role playing.
- Ah, you wish.
- Yeah, I do, actually.
I keep havin' this dream where you're a nurse
or a speed skater.
It's a Lycra body thing.
- You're ill.
- Yeah, sorry guys, uh,
just bring it back over to me a little bit.
Raz, can I just say that's, uh,
very inappropriate language for a potential employer.
- This is bullshit anyway.
None of us need this nonsense.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna be a singer.
I don't need no social.
- True, you tell 'em, girl.
- Yeah, thank you, Che.
- Except for you can't sing for shit.
- Are you lookin' for a slap?
- It's better than hearin' you sing.
- [Tina] Uh, come again?
- Are you two gonna wrestle?
(groans)
- Okay, guys, let's bring it back to me.
Shall we, yeah, bring it back to me, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
So, Alex, look like you wanna say something.
- It's Ali, actually.
- Sorry, Ali, yeah, yeah.
Uh, do you wanna say something?
- No.
- Okay, okay, um, sorry, can I just say, guys,
um, anybody know where Dwayne is today, yeah?
I've not seen him.
It's not as if he's working, is it?
(chuckles)
So where is he?
- [Che] He's working at an old people's home.
- Oh, really?
Well that's fantastic, that's really good.
That's great, I'm really proud of him.
Hey, he's not getting paid though, is he?
- No, it's voluntary.
- Good, good, good, because you know what they say about
benefit cheaters, don't you?
Yeah, yeah, remember?
It's not if they catch you.
- [All] It's when they catch you.
- And you know, Tim,
none of us would ever do anything like that.
It's 'cause of you.
(chuckles)
- Okay, let's get back to role play.
Uh, okay, Raz. - Yeah?
- Let's say you're applying for a job in Alex's,
sorry, Ali's phone shop, yeah.
- Okay. - Oh, great, ready?
And off ya go.
- Ting-a-ling-a-ling.
(laughing) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that?
- That was the bell on your door.
- Nah, fuck that.
My door's gonna be bangin' out some beats, man.
- Wicked.
- Sorry, guys, small point of order there, uh,
about the, uh, shop door.
Because, of course, to have a shop door,
you'd need to have a shop, wouldn't you?
And to have a shop, well, you need some experience.
- Yeah, well, I don't want a shop.
- You just said.
- Yeah, you told us to role play.
- All right. - That was settin' a scene,
yeah, role playing.
- Ah. - Hey, what tunes
you gonna bang out?
- Whatever I'm into at the time, brah.
Yeah, I'll hook it up to a player,
so that it changes every time someone comes in.
- That actually sounds good.
- Yeah, isn't it? - That's great.
I guess that would be like pressing random on a,
on a MP3 player, an MP3, yeah,
every time somebody came in the shop.
(chuckles)
- Yeah.
(door clicks)
- Guys, guys.
- Hey, D.
- All right. - How you doin'?
- All right. - All right, then.
- Hey, bro.
- Yeah, hello.
Listen up, right,
so I'm workin' today in the old people's home.
- You were working?
- Voluntary working.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Anyway, (claps)
I was doin' my rounds with the bedpans.
- Nice. - Yeah, dream job.
So, there's this ancient bloke called Mr. Hills.
He's like hundreds of years old.
- [Tim] He's probably not hundreds.
(mumbles)
- [Dwayne] He's mumbling about the war.
- [Mr. Hills] Is that you?
- [Dwayne] And then he starts saying this weird stuff.
- Pulls out the pin.
Feels good, eh?
Like a cricket ball.
- You all right, Mr. Hills?
- We need to guard the treasure.
- Treasure.
- We have ordered the guard.
Till he comes,
we need to protect this treasure.
Is that you, Private Scoffield?
- Yeah, it's me Private Scoffield.
- I'm not going to make it.
Will you look after the map?
- Yes.
- You will?
(rhythmic music)
Cigarette case.
Map.
(rhythmic music)
Lining.
(rhythmic music)
- [Dwayne] X marks the spot.
- Don't be ridiculous.
There's no treasure there.
It's council owned.
Anyway, Hornsey Road Baths has been refurbished.
It's gonna be a, it's gonna be an art centre, yeah,
which will benefit us all.
- [Dwayne] When?
- Demolition begins 17th of the month.
- That's tomorrow.
- Well, can we go now then, can you get the keys?
- Of course I can.
But it's ridiculous, look,
my job is to make sure you all get the jobs you want.
- I wanna be a treasure hunter.
- Me, too. - And me.
- Yeah, me as well.
- I wanna be a time traveller.
Or a treasure hunter.
- So if you don't take us,
you'll be in breach of your contract or something, right?
- And I'm sure the council will take that very seriously.
- Totally seriously.
- It could be like a proper role play.
- Oh, yeah, that's good, Raz.
Yeah, I suppose it would be very good to sort of,
you know, be a good team-building exercise, wouldn't it?
- Yeah, if ya want, yeah.
- Okay then, I'll do it.
- Yeah. - What the hell, let's do it.
Yeah, it'd be a really good way
of us all learning how to work together
as a proper team, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, let's go then.
- Okay, let's, oh, first do ya mind,
I just need to do something on the way, if that's
okay.
(rhythmic techno music)
♫ We are the men in beige
♫ But guess what
- Can't we just go?
- We can't.
We've got to wait for whatcha-do-it, he's got the keys.
♫ We're all married
- I think my dad's got this album.
- Bad.
♫ To the same woman
♫ Her name's Magnolia
- Give me nails on a blackboard any day of the week.
(rhythmic techno music)
(clapping)
- Awesome!
(whistles) Yeah!
- Come on, guys.
- I know, it's so cool.
(rhythmic music)
- Why does Brooks wanna see me?
What?
Have I done something wrong?
Look, guys, whatever I've done, tell me
and I'll apologise.
- Just wait for Brooks.
(door clicks)
- Hi, Eric, thanks for coming.
- Brooks, I'm so sorry.
- What for?
(rhythmic music)
- Oh, you fuckers.
- Too easy.
- Eric, with Dixon out,
we need you to come in on the next job.
- As the driver?
- We need you in the building.
- Oh.
- So it's only fair you know what it is we're after.
During the war, the Nazis stole thousands of works of art.
Many of them have never been found.
I've spent the last few years following a lead
on three of these pieces.
The first is a necklace commissioned
by the emperor of Prussia for his wife Marzec.
- That looks pretty.
- By all accounts it had to be.
- Marzec was described as, and I quote,
a beauty to rival the heavens themselves
with a sweet and fragrant nature
and a voice like the first birdsong in spring.
(laid-back rhythmic music)
- I want a girlfriend.
- The second was a painting by the French impressionist
Pierre De Taille.
- Don't look like a De Taille.
- That's why it's priceless.
There's been a lot of speculation
concerning his mental health at the time
he painted this piece,
'cause it's such a change in the style.
Some say he was addicted to opium.
Some say he was depressed.
But we'll probably never know.
(laid-back rhythmic music)
(bird caws)
(laid-back rhythmic music)
- The final piece was made by the legendary clock maker
Jacques Roitelet.
He was commissioned by the crown prince
to make a carriage clock for his wife's birthday.
Unfortunately, the clock hands went backwards,
and so furious was the crown prince
he had Jacques burnt as a witch.
(laid-back rhythmic music)
- [Alice] Rumour has it that Jack deliberately made the clock
to go backwards as he longed to go back in time
to be with his wife Enid,
who died tragically of shock, age 14,
after only two years of marriage.
(laid-back rhythmic music)
(banging) (speaks foreign language)
- Wait, she married at 12?
Oh, fucking hell.
- Well, the clock bit was true.
- And that clock is worth a few quid.
- You know where these things are?
- Two young privates in the British Army went AWOL
after returning from the war.
They were in the 43rd Battalion,
the unit that discovered an enormous horde of Nazi treasure.
Now, following their trail has lead us here.
Hornsey Road Baths.
- Seems that most of the family of these privates
worked there,
so we think that's where the treasure's hidden.
- Baths were closed in the 1980s
and if the artwork had been sold--
- Black market, foreign dealers.
- We would've heard about it.
- This could be the big one.
Are you in?
- Absolutely.
- Good, we're going tonight.
Okay.
- Tonight?
But I've got a
tummy ache.
- Excuse me?
- Look, I've no idea what,
but something has me shitting through the eye of a needle.
- Sexy.
- It has to be tonight.
The builders are coming in tomorrow
to turn it into an art centre.
- I see.
- These are the blueprints of the HRB.
They're a bit outdated but good enough.
Now, we're gonna go in through the roof here.
Eric, that's where I'm gonna need you to stand guard.
- Okay.
Look, I don't mean to harp on about it,
but I am feeling more than a tad
loose.
- We'll stop by a chemist on the way
and pick you something up.
- Is that okay?
- It's fine.
May I continue?
- Please do.
Sorry. - Okay.
- Cavil, you're on security.
Alice any hacking needs and I'll be on point.
Problems?
- We could use a fifth.
- Basic security, four is enough.
- It might've been updated.
You said yourself the blueprints are old.
- We ought to cover all bases.
- Who'd you have in mind?
- Vicky's in town. - No.
- She's the best there is with locks.
- I'll handle it.
- You?
No offence, boss, but you're a little out of practise.
- And you don't know--
- I said no. (smacking)
(rhythmic music)
- [Cavil] You need to let it go.
- I can't.
- It's been two years.
We're in, we're out, bosh, we walk away.
If you don't want anything to do with her then,
fine.
But let's do this properly,
and let's go with any sparkly things, yeah?
(rhythmic music)
- So if you had to poo in a hat,
what hat would you choose?
- I don't poo, I shit, as well you know.
- Of course.
Sorry, Genghis.
Now stop stalling and pick a hat.
- Sombrero.
- Why?
- It's like a dump and a holiday.
(rhythmic music)
- [Alice] Vicky, hi.
It's Alice from Berlin.
(rhythmic music)
Vicky, hi.
It's Alice from Berlin.
Listen, um, we've got a job for you, but it's tonight.
Are you free?
(chuckles)
Just a little bit of security.
- Be seeing you soon.
(groovy rhythmic music)
- Didn't know you were in a band, Tim.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, it's, uh,
it's a really major hobby of mine.
Actually we got, we got a gig coming up next week,
if you fancy.
- I think I'm busy, you know?
- I'm definitely busy that day.
- Yeah, my diary's full.
- Really can't make it, whenever it is.
- Hmm, so gonna be there.
That was awesome.
- All right, thanks, Raz.
Cheers, mate, yeah.
- Yeah, you were totally hilarious.
(laughing)
- Okay.
Okay, right, so, uh, Hornsey Road here we come.
(engine revs) - Yay.
(groovy rhythmic music)
- Do you think he'll be okay?
- It's been two years since she left him, he'll be fine.
- Hope so.
Weird though.
- Very weird.
- It's gonna be intense.
- We're all grownups.
Deal with things in a grownup way
which allows us to ask grownup questions like
if you had to fall out of an aeroplane and land on an animal
which animal would you choose?
- Polar bear lying on its back.
- Why?
- Soft and cuddly landing.
- Oof!
(chuckling)
- I didn't say a camp polar bear.
- Well, you should've done,
'cause they're softer to land on.
(chuckling)
Hey-ya, gorgeous.
- Hey.
- [Alice] Really good to see you.
- You, too.
Is he here?
(phone buzzes)
- He is now.
- [Cavil] And outside.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
(door rumbles)
- Hey, Vicky.
- Hi, Eric.
Brooks.
- Vicky.
(door thuds)
- Why, you could cut this atmosphere with a knife.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- [Brooks] Oh, fuck!
(groaning)
Eric! - Sorry!
I said I wasn't well.
(dramatic music)
(groovy rhythmic music)
- Have you ever parked a car before?
- Yes.
It's just very important to get it between the white lines,
Dwayne.
- Obviously.
(groovy rhythmic music)
You are aware there's no other cars around though, right?
- Yes.
- Just checking.
(groovy rhythmic music)
- Okay, all right,
there we are.
(groovy rhythmic music)
(alarm beeps)
(dramatic music)
(groovy rhythmic music)
- Here we go.
Ready?
(groovy rhythmic music)
Okay, that's weird.
- Someone expecting us?
- Let's see.
(door thuds)
Why don't you wait
over there a sec? - Yeah.
- Keep Eric company.
Alice, do a quick sweep
and make sure there's nothing we've missed.
Uh, Cavil, come give me a hand.
(ominous music)
- Right, let's take a look around, shall we?
(ominous music)
Where's Raz?
- He's outside havin' a cigarette.
- I'll get him.
(ominous music)
Come in.
(ominous music)
- Found it.
- Hang on.
(ominous music)
(thuds)
(ominous music)
- I still miss him, you know?
- Oh, of course.
- It's been hard.
You left, that changes everything with this lot,
and then Harry died,
and things really fell apart.
I loved that hamster.
And now I've got the shits.
- You got promoted.
- And then Dixon turned out to be a dick.
To be honest,
I'm not sure why I'm still hear doin' this,
working for him.
The moment you dumped him
he turned into a miserable old git.
- I didn't dump him.
- Oh, okay.
- I didn't.
- Sure.
- Does
he
ever talk about me?
- Not to me.
Sorry.
- Look, I need to know before we go in.
- We found the hatch.
Cavil's checking for alarms.
So far none.
- Oh, well that's good news, isn't it?
- Well it seems a little easy.
- You look disappointed.
- Right, wait for Alice and follow us in.
- Are you here for the money
or for him? - Money.
- Right.
One last job.
(stomach gurgles)
Oh god.
- How's it looking?
- About a 15-foot drop.
Worth usin' the rope.
- Great.
- Would you rather use the front door?
- Well, yeah.
Don't you think all this running and climbing at our age
is a bit undignified?
- I love this stuff.
- Of course.
- At our age.
Now if you're okay with the ex thinkin'
your a bit out of shape, I can always carry you down.
- After you.
- Age before beauty.
(ominous music)
- What do you think this does?
(clicks) (gasps)
- Oh, come on!
(thudding)
(rumbling)
(clicking)
(thudding)
- Fuckin' hell, Raz!
- Locked us in, ya prick!
- Don't worry, I've, I've got keys.
- [Dwayne] If we're locked in here,
you're gettin' a smack.
- [Raz] Someone was gonna press it, it says no.
- [Che] Do you know what no means?
(soft chattering) (upbeat jazzy music)
- Look, look, look, look, look,
probably just the wind.
- And the deadbolts, too?
That's a lot of wind.
- Thank you.
(rumbling)
- Did you hear that?
- Fuckin' smelled it.
- I'm sorry.
I told you I was feelin' unwell.
- What have you eaten?
- There was a sound like deadbolts.
- Okay, we may not be alone.
Let's stick to the plan but take it slow.
Eric, wait here for us.
- I might need the toilet.
- Just stay here.
- So if you had to fall out of an aeroplane
and land on an animal,
what animal would you choose?
- Giant squid.
- Bouncy?
- You got it.
- Well, it's not that one.
Uh,
um,
nope.
- Raz, you're such a cod.
- Chill.
- None of these actually seem to work.
- [Ali] Someone let us out! (banging)
Let us out!
Come on, please! (banging)
- Ali, Ali, Ali,
it's okay.
(upbeat jazzy music) (soft chattering)
- I was tryin' to break it in.
- [Che] Thanks, Hercules.
(chuckling)
- You go fuck off.
- No, no, no, don't worry,
I shall simply call my colleague
and she'll come and let us out.
- Don't tell 'em about the treasure though.
- No, of course I'm not gonna tell them about,
ah, it's ringing. (phone rings)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(static scratches)
It stopped ringing.
Hang on.
I've got no reception.
Can I borrow somebody's phone?
- Here ya go,
but don't chat too long, it's pay as you go.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, just talk quick, that's what I do.
- Great, okay, right.
Oh, you've got no reception either,
so, uh, everybody else? - What?
- No.
- It's probably just a mass down or something.
- This is bad.
- No, no, we'll just simply find another exit.
- We've got no torches, no food, no water.
- Look, look, look, don't worry, don't worry,
'cause the builders come tomorrow,
so worst case scenario we just spend the night.
- Spend the night with you lot?
No.
- I think we'll find an exit, yeah.
- Might be quite fun to spend the night.
- Is anyone else gettin' aroused by this?
Sorry, this shit really makes me horny.
Tina, what do ya say?
- I say let's find an exit.
(chuckling)
- Eh.
- [Vicky] How've you been?
- [Brooks] Fine.
- [Vicky] Not gonna talk to me then?
- [Brooks] Wasn't planning on it.
- I'm sorry, Brooks.
- So where have you been?
- Travelled around a bit.
Spent some time in Montenegro.
- That was you.
Why did you come back?
- Do you really want to know?
- So if your sex life was a film,
what film would it be?
- Apollo 13.
- Ooh, unlucky.
- Tell me about it.
You?
- Time Bandits.
(gasps)
(groaning)
- Jesus, it's like shoring up a dam.
(groans)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(gasping)
(groans)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(gasping)
(ominous music)
(groans)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(gasping)
Oh, fuck this!
- That's not supposed to be there.
- [Brooks] No.
Any ideas?
- I say we back up and head through to that big room.
There should be a staircase near the side.
- Let's do that.
Alice, let fat Eric know.
- Top Hat to Windy Miller.
Top Hat to Windy Miller, come in Windy Miller.
Eric?
Comms must be down.
- Hopefully he's having a dump.
- Well, he did say he wasn't well.
(ominous music)
(gasping)
(groans)
(flies buzz)
(groans)
(ominous music)
(clattering)
(coughing)
(gentle orchestral music)
(splattering) (gentle orchestral music)
(groans)
(splattering) (gentle orchestral music)
(ominous music)
(fast rhythmic music)
(plopping)
(toilet flushes)
(trickling)
- [Che] What the hell is that noise?
- Oh, it's just the old sewage pipes.
- Ugh, this building is nasty.
- Well you'll be fine, it's dark.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It's dark, you won't be seen.
- That is so racist.
- No, no, no, it's not.
It's like this one time I was riding home on my bike
and I didn't have any reflectors or lights or anything,
and I was going over some bumps,
except it wasn't a bump,
found out it was a cat,
and the cat was black as well.
Seeing as we're in here, it's dark as well,
we won't see you.
- Well, if that means that you get attacked first,
I'm cool with that.
- No, I'm packin'.
- You're what?
- Yeah, check it.
(laughing)
- You need to stab someone like a thousand times
just to get their attention.
- Yeah, but I'm like a ninja with this.
- A gnome more like.
- [Ali] How old is this place?
- Ah, well, the baths were built in 1895.
- It's not haunted is it?
- Well,
some say you can still hear the children.
- What?
What children?
- Are you trying to freak us out?
- No, no.
The grotto children.
- Yeah, well don't just leave it there.
- Well, in Victorian London, you see,
there were thousands of homeless children, orphans.
Every year, the children would gather outside the bathhouse
and then build a shrine, a little grotto,
of oyster shells,
and when the rich gentlemen came past,
well, they'd sing a little nursery rhyme
just hoping to get in a few pennies.
Of course a lot of the children ended up in work houses,
or some of them strangely disappeared.
Do you know, the people who've worked here over the years,
well they still swear blind that they could hear
the haunting melody of the grotto children.
♫ Please remember the grotto
♫ Father's gone to sea
♫ Mother's gone to fetch him home
♫ Please remember me
- Not bad, Tim.
Could use a beat though.
Dwayne?
(beatboxing)
♫ Ah, yeah
(beatboxing)
♫ Please remember the grotto
♫ Our father's gone to sea
(beatboxing)
♫ Please remember me
(muffled rapping)
♫ Please, sir, can I have some more oysters
♫ Yo, rich man, give to the poor people
♫ Please remember me
- In for the kill.
Peace out.
- Can we just get the hell out of it, please?
- Don't sound like privates.
- What do pros sing?
- Agga-deen
- Cavil?
- Lake of Origin?
(chuckles)
It just sounds like we've gatecrashed someone's party.
- Okay, look,
let's remain focused and professional
and keep the chat to a minimum.
(ominous music) (hissing)
(electricity buzzes)
(whizzing) (thuds)
- Uh-huh.
- Cavil?
- Worried. - Vicky.
- On it.
(beeping)
Staring at me helps.
- I'm not staring at you.
I'm just making sure you don't fuck it up.
- Oh, you wanna do this now?
(beeping)
- So instead of Montenegro work for me.
(sighs)
What is it?
- It's as if it's been designed by a child.
- What do you mean?
- Well, it's like a blue pizza project.
It doesn't make any sense.
The door isn't part of the system.
- [Brooks] Meaning?
- Meaning that either it's in a self-contained
separate system,
or that it's operated manually.
(whizzing)
(thuds)
(whizzing)
- I think I found your self-contained system.
(ticking)
(whizzing)
(clicking)
(beeps)
- Okay.
- So, Tina, you wanna hook up and get a drink sometime?
- Wow, why not wait until we're in a dark, haunted building
until you ask her out?
- Whoa, am I sensing a bit of jealousy there, Che?
- Raz, I'd rather do Tina before I do you.
- That I'd like to see.
- Yeah, me too, actually.
- [Tim] Hey, I think we should go up these stairs.
- [Tina] Uh, we're on the ground floor.
Why would we go up to get out?
- Because I think I saw a fire escape going up
the side of the building. (rumbling)
(popping)
- Fuck, fuck!
- What, oh, god, let me see!
- You need to piss on that.
- What?
- You need to piss on that, trust me.
- No, that's jellyfish stings.
- Trust me.
- What are you doing, man?
- I'm tryin' to help a mate out.
- You're not pissin' on my hand.
- I thought it was worth a try.
- No, it isn't.
- Can we just keep going?
This place is gettin' creepier by the minute.
- Oh, chill out, Ali, for fuck's sake.
(thunderous thudding) (yelling)
- What the fuck was that?
- It was probably just,
I don't know.
- Okay, I've got a really bad feeling about this.
We need to get out of here now!
- What do you think we're tryin' to do?
- What about the treasure?
- Ali, are you crying?
- No.
- This building is haunted.
- No, it isn't.
- Explain that noise then.
- It's an old building and old buildings make noises.
Look, look, we're going to find an exit,
and we're going to get out, okay?
Dwayne, there probably isn't any treasure anyway, yeah.
Ali, I just want you to calm down.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
(crunchy thudding)
(screaming)
(clicking)
(whizzing)
- Ready?
- Piece of puss.
- Okay, here goes.
(whizzing)
Way to go, Conan.
(beeps)
- It's heavier than it looks.
- Can't we put something heavy on the plate
to keep the door open?
- Like what?
(ticking)
- Okay, let's try again.
Maybe me and Cavil can keep it open.
- I'm thinking that's not such a good idea.
- Why?
- It read three when I first stood on it.
Now it says one.
- What does that mean?
- It means we had three attempts to figure out
how to get us all out.
- What happens if we don't do it in three attempts?
- Cavil,
is that what I think it is?
(ticking)
- Oh my.
- What?
- This little game is designed
so one person doesn't get out.
- So we leave someone here and come back.
- Gives us three attempts to get out.
On the last attempt, a timer kicks in and you get,
can ya see?
- Three.
- Three minutes before a pretty hefty amount
of somethin' bad in the gas department is released.
- We're not leavin' anyone behind.
- Hmm,
that might not be an option.
Someone is gonna have to step on the plate
in the next three minutes to reset the timer,
as we have less than three minutes
before it gets released anyway.
- So one of us has to
stay behind.
(ticking)
- Then it's me, get by the door.
- What, hang on a minute, that's not acceptable.
- We have no time to debate this.
- Then I'm staying with you.
- No.
- Yes.
- Look, Vicky, you wanted to go, now you can.
- I know I hurt you when I left,
and now that I've found you again,
I'm not letting go.
(ticking)
- You really pick your moments, don't you?
(ticking)
- Um, seriously touching.
Do I need to point out the obvious?
- This is fucked up.
- Get by the door.
- There has to be another way.
- So we have three minutes from when we step on the plate?
- Yeah.
Fuckin' hell!
- It's okay.
- Of course it's not fuckin' okay.
- Forget this, there has to be another way.
- You're right, stupid idea.
(ticking)
(clicks)
(ticking)
- Go.
(ticking)
(yelling)
(ticking)
- Who are you?
- Trevor Willoughby, strategic planning.
This is a secure building, how did you get in?
- I-I-I have keys.
Tim Titcom, job seekers retraining.
We're on a team-building exercise.
- There was a fucking dead body out there.
It just fell from the ceiling.
- What?
- He ain't lyin'.
It just fell down in front of us covered in blood.
- Who is it?
- We don't know.
- It's totally freaky.
We were just talking about whether Raz
should piss on my hand.
- He's burnt it.
- It just fell.
- Maybe we should show ya.
- No way, I'm staying here.
I'm not leaving this room.
I'm not moving from this very spot.
(ticking) (gentle music)
- Okay, Tim, um,
show us.
(soft tense music)
- Okay, okay, Alex, stay there.
We'll, we'll be right back, okay?
(soft tense music)
(ticking) (ominous music)
(beeping) (tense rhythmic music)
(hissing)
(coughing)
(tense rhythmic music)
(coughing)
(tense rhythmic music)
(beeping)
(rumbling)
(ball clatters)
- I vote we don't go back down there.
- Right, let's get Ali, get out, and call the police.
- Ali is dead.
(chuckles)
- What?
- He's just upstairs.
- There was poisonous gas in that room.
Someone had to stay in there.
- Why didn't you say?
You just let him die.
- Yes.
- You fuckin' cunt.
(ominous music)
- Okay, listen.
That room was boobytrapped.
Someone had to stay in there
in order for the rest of us to get out.
It's not nice, but it's the way it is.
So ask yourself,
if it's you or him, which do you choose?
(tense music)
- What council department do you work for again?
- Housing and adult social services.
- Oh.
(sharp rattling)
- What is that?
- I don't know.
- Ah, fuck this, I'm out of here.
- Che, wait up, I'm comin' with ya.
- No, look, I, I think we just need to stick together.
- Fuck off, Tim.
(ominous music)
(door thuds)
Che!
(crunching) (yells)
Che!
Guys, help!
(ominous music)
Che! (moaning)
We've gotta get down there and help her.
- Right, right, um.
- It's not too big of a drop, we can climb down.
- That's a long way down, we need a rope.
- No, no, you'll probably sprain an ankle or something.
We need to find a safer route
down there. - Well, we need to get down
there now, let's go.
Are you comin'?
- No.
- But you can't leave her, she could be really hurt.
- Sorry, not our problem.
- Listen, get your friend
and head to the top back of the building.
There you'll find a guy called Eric who really needs a poo
and a rope that leads to the roof.
You can get out that way.
- You came in through the roof?
- That's just the way we roll, tiger.
- If you had to be stuck in a disused Victorian bathhouse
with a psychopath on the loose,
which Victorian bathhouse would you choose?
- Okay, fair point.
So, what do we think?
Get out or get loot then get out?
- I say loot and get out quick.
- Alice?
- [Alice] The loot.
- Cavil?
- Loot's my middle name.
- I thought it was Derek.
- Naturally, she's right.
It is Derek.
- Derek?
- Fuck off.
Cornelius.
(ominous music) (plopping)
(creaking)
(gasps)
(ominous music)
(footsteps thud)
(ominous music)
(footsteps thud)
(chain rattles)
- Shit, fuck.
(dramatic music)
- In here.
Cavil.
(clattering)
So what have we got?
- Child's play.
(clicks)
I think it's open.
- No, wait.
Listen,
I know I can be intense, but I've thought about you
every day. - Brooks, you don't have to.
- And having you back is really good,
but it's also really.
- Scary.
- Yeah.
- So let's be scared.
(gentle music)
- Never leave me again.
- I won't.
You're stuck with me.
(crunching) (splattering)
(ominous music)
- Jesus!
Brooks!
- Oh, shit, shit, shit, hold on.
Can we get this out? - No.
Vicky, Vicky! - Try and stay still.
- Okay.
- [Brooks] On, no, Vicky!
(yelling)
- Come on. - Easy.
A bit more, not far.
Stay with me, buddy!
(groans) Stay with me!
(groaning)
Come on, Brooks, just stay, Brooks, Brooks, Brooks.
(sombre music)
Brooks.
(sombre music)
Fuck.
Fuck!
- What we gonna do now?
(rattling)
- Where the fuck is she?
- She must've crawled away.
- Che?
Che!
(ominous music)
(gasping)
(ominous music)
(muffled screaming)
(ominous music) (muffled screaming)
Che, we're coming, hold on!
(muffled screaming) (ominous music)
- [Tim] Che, Che, we're comin' up, we're here.
(muffled screaming) (ominous music)
(crunching) - Che!
- Weird.
- Che!
- It was definitely comin' from in here though, right?
(crunching)
(splattering) (creaking)
- There she is.
(screaming)
(rumbling)
- This is different.
- Yeah.
Did we come this way?
- I don't know.
- Were ya a fan?
Face to fancy, huh?
What a fucking shithole.
What is it?
- Lockbox.
(clicking)
- Don't need to see it.
- I'm going as fast as I can.
This was Vicky's area.
- Yeah.
What is that?
- It's just about the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
- Let's go here.
- This is wrong.
This is so fucking wrong.
- Well it was you that wanted us to come here.
- Jesus, don't put that shit on me.
I didn't know this would happen, all right?
- Whoa, let's not argue amongst ourselves.
Well, where's the rope?
- I'm sure they've gone.
- Let's see if we can find something.
- That's nice.
What are you doin'?
- It's okay.
- No, it's not fucking okay!
- [Tim] What's happened?
- He just grabbed my tit!
- What?
- All right, I misread the signals.
(snorts)
- Is that funny?
(chuckling)
It's not funny.
(laughing)
(beeping)
(gooey splattering)
(blood splatters)
(rattling)
(clicking)
(fly buzzes)
(clattering)
(gasping)
- Hey, look.
(thudding)
- We'll still need a rope.
- That's not very high, I can lift you up.
- Are you jokin'?
- What, do you want to get out of here or not?
- Yes.
- Okay.
(hissing)
(crunching)
(groaning)
(whizzing) (crunching)
(heart beats) (groaning)
(screaming)
(groaning)
(crunching)
(blood squirts)
Okay, fine, fine.
- So we're not getting out there then.
Eric wouldn't have left.
- No.
Hope he's okay.
- Okay, options?
We could break a window and shout for help.
- We could fight.
- Fight whom?
- You got me there.
Just wanna get you out.
What?
Stop it.
- Are you getting soppy?
- You're my best mate.
Just wanna make sure you're safe.
Stop it.
- How about we get your gun
and shoot the lock out the front door?
- Subtle.
- Effective.
(ominous music)
- So we shoot our way out?
- It worked for Butch and Sundance.
- No it didn't, they died.
- Okay, bad example.
But at least they died fighting.
- Let's do it.
(whizzing)
(ominous music)
Not like this.
(groans) (sombre music)
- Oh, no, no, please.
(groaning) (crying)
(sombre music)
(groans) Shh.
- You know,
I always
quite fancied you.
(crying) (groaning)
- Well, you're only human.
(sombre music) (groaning)
(crying)
(rattling)
(gasping)
- Hello!
(ominous music)
Tim!
Raz!
(crying)
(ominous music)
(crying)
Oh god, oh god!
(clicks)
(beeping)
(fire crackles)
(rhythmic rock music)
(crying)
No!
(crying) (fire crackles)
(rhythmic rock music)
(fire crackles)
(tense rock music)
(crying)
- [Tim] Sounded like it came from up here.
- Yeah, but aren't we running towards the danger?
- Yeah, we've gotta save her.
(tense rock music) (fire crackles)
Don't get me wrong, I really like Tina.
She's really fit, but--
- Yeah, well, if you save her
maybe she'll let you touch both her breasts.
(tense rock music)
- I wanna go home now.
(ominous music)
(tense rock music)
No, there's nothing for us through these doors.
Trust me.
(tense music)
(gun bangs)
- Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh shit, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- [Raz] It's okay.
- But I thought you were the--
- It's okay.
To be honest,
I'm surprised I made it this far.
If I was on X Factor, I'd be famous.
(coughing)
- Is there anything I can do for you?
- Left pocket.
(tense music)
It's good shit.
(groans)
(footstep creaks)
(fleshy thudding)
(swooshing)
(door clicks)
(tense rock music)
(clicking)
(dripping)
(tense rhythmic music)
- Where am I?
- [Man] You're in the trap.
- [Alice] What trap?
- The trap you had to make.
(clicking) (screaming)
(gasping) (tense music)
(crunching)
(dripping)
(tense music)
(clicking)
(clattering)
(dramatic music) (crunching)
(gasping) (crunching)
(dramatic music) (crunching)
(gasping)
(dramatic music)
- [Alice] Thank you.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Look out!
(dramatic music)
(gun bangs) (groans)
Dixon, thank god.
- Hello, Alice.
- How'd you know we were here?
- Brooks isn't the only one who does his homework.
Where is the prick, by the way?
- He's dead.
They all are.
- Good.
- Hello, uh, I'm Tim.
- Good for you.
Where's the key?
- What?
- Don't fuck with me, Alice.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Don't tell me the mighty Brooks missed a vital bit
of information.
Well, well, well.
You really don't know, do you?
The treasure isn't here.
It never was.
It's been in the bank vault for 60 years.
It's the key to that vault that's been kept here.
Okay, let me explain.
To start with,
the key was guarded by the two young army privates
who brought the treasure over,
waited for their command officer to collect it from them.
Then in the 1980s when this place closed,
this chap, who's believed to be the, um,
how should I put it?
The mental son of one of the privates
took over guard again and all evidence suggests
that he took that job quite seriously.
So the only question remaining is
where is the key?
(tense music) (water trickles)
What is that?
- It's the trap.
(clicking)
(yells)
(gun bangs)
(yells)
(water trickles)
(rumbling)
(yells)
(water rushes)
(grunting)
- [Alice] Hurry!
(grunting)
- Ah, come on!
(water rushes) (yelling)
Come on!
Come here, come here!
Alice!
Alice, please.
(water rushes)
Please.
(door thuds)
(groans)
- I'll leave that for later.
- What's in the bag?
- A ceramic pig.
- Oh.
It's quite, um,
it's quite ugly, isn't it?
Yeah.
- [Dixon] Alice.
(door thuds)
- I suppose we should call the police.
- You wanna put yourself through that?
I'm gonna go now.
If you had to poo in a hat,
what hat would you choose?
- If I had to?
- If ya had to.
- A sombrero.
- Cool.
(exciting rock music)
♫ It's okay, man
♫ Yeah, it's all right
♫ We'll drink vodka and go out and fight because
♫ We'll even get stoned, yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ We'll even get stoned yeah, it's all right
♫ Oh yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ But if we get stoned, yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ But if we get stoned yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ It's okay, man
♫ Yeah, it's all right
♫ We'll drink vodka
♫ And go fight a fight because
♫ But if we get stoned, yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ But if we get stoned yeah
♫ It's all right
♫ But if we get stoned yeah
♫ It's all right
- Fucking hell.